some friends of mine at work decided to go out for drinks at mothers. it’s a pretty quaint little bar with little-to-no bells and or whistles. i was invited by alexis and the usual crew of sushi-house kids were there. we’re all so very posh. anyhoo, the missing piece to this story is alexis. alexis has been trying to get my dick inside of her since i started working at the sushi house. that was like in january. this chick is persistent. i made absolutely no plans of hooking up, especially with alexis. ‘twas not to be, not if alexis had anything to say about it. about 6 buckets, between say 7 of us, came and went. in its wake a trail severely inebriated individuals had collected. first mistake. i guess that’s kinda relative but tangents are not on the menu right now. bills were squared and the sushi house posse was outta mothers. everyone went their separate ways and alexis, who had been clutching at my arm and following me every time i went outside to smoke, asked if i would escort her to her car. being the intoxicated nice guy that i was, i obliged her. when we get to the place where her car was “parked,” much to the surprise of both of us, her car had been towed. for a split second when i realized the course of events that were about to ensue, i thought to myself that she might just be the smartest person, second to me, that i had ever met. i then realized it was quite the opposite and that she had parked in a small parking lot that was VERY clearly marked as a tow-away zone. she was quite angry and for some reason my compassion muscle was unprepared for the situation due to a lack of use. my mantra for those few minutes that she was taking in what had just happened was, “there’s a sign right there that says TOW AWAY ZONE. seriously.” she either didn’t hear me, chose to ignore me, or truly did not care. so of course she says she has no place to go. of course i offer to stay at my house. i know. so we make our way to my place. we get there and the beer goggles wear off a bit. realization sets in but at that point i was gonna get something from this girl. if nothing else, just cus it was a wednesday. i’m pretty sure it was wednesday. my buddy and his girlfriend, i think (they’re one of those couples where you never can tell), show up at my house shortly after we arrived. my buddy later pulled me to the side and said that they came just to check up on me because of alexis’ craziness. i felt like i was in that one scene in 40-year-old virgin where steve carrell is about to sleep with the nympho chick and his buddies rescue him. oddly similar. more drinks were disseminated into our little gathering and the beer goggles refastened themselves to my face with a vengeance. my buddy and his girlie left. alexis changed into my board shorts and a t-shirt and claimed her spot on my bed. small tangent: do not ever get into my bed without wiping off your fucking feet. i will kill you. i followed suit with the changing, brushed my teeth and informed alexis that the side she had claimed belonged to me and she had to move. i got into bed and alexis warned me that she was a “snuggler” and seriously invaded my personal bubble for lack of a better explanation. in a rare moment of unbridled truthfulness i told alexis straight out that no sex was to be had that night. i believe my statement, shrouded in drunkenness was something like, “we can make out or whatever, but i’m not having sex with you. we work together and i don’t want you thinking this is like an ongoing thing. like we’re not dating now because of this.” i find that when you are brutally upfront with women they react only one of 2 ways.
a) insulted - this manifests in 2 ways
>outright hurt feelings - typically yelling, crying, and generally upset, hurt and offended behavior
>non-verbalized hurt feelings - typically the talking stops almost immediately and the night is most definitely over
b) tough-girl - so as to not show that you have hurt / offended them, women will mentally strap on their penis and let you know that you don’t have to worry about them. they’re strong
alexis chose the ladder. for a little bit i thought that i had kinda screwed the pooch with my upfront-ness. i wasn’t incredibly disappointed about it either. alexis was focused though. you gotta respect her unwavering determination. she then asked if she could give me a good night kiss. cheesie girl lines are funnier than anything us guys could ever come up with. i said sure and the making out ensued. then she mounted me and started grinding. i’m pretty sure she thought that she could change my mind about the sex thing but i wasn’t having it. let me restate: i know that she wanted to change my mind because she would whisper in my ear that it was a shame that i felt the way i did about the sex thing. obviously it was not said in such an eloquent way but you get me. i’m pretty sure my erection communicated to her that i was ready for something. she wasn’t leaving without taking something. it was then that the 9 most satisfying words were uttered, “i guess i can just give you a blowjob.” i said ok because i mean what do you say to that? exactly. so before the main event got underway she informed me that i was lucky because she was very good with all the sucking of the dick. funny looking back on it now just because, i dunno. who says that? in mid-blowjob she then informed that she swallows. my response again was ok. right before i came i grabbed the back of her head and got a little too carried away. the funniest situation of my entire life, to date, followed right after. she gagged, coughed a little and told me in a very calm voice, “ok you can’t do that.” i apologized then finished then smoked then slept.
the next morning was a walk of shame for me as much as for her. i took her to get her car from car jail and that was that. she has contacted me a few times since but i refuse to let that happen again. we all went to mothers to watch the ufc fight last night and she showed up with 2 friends, one of which was kinda pretty. that’s all until my next experience.
